Beginnings

Today I swam. I'm an inconsistent swimmer. Sometimes I feel like I'm really getting it. I envision a paddle wheel on the Mississippi River. "I am a paddle wheel," I say to myself. I glide over the water. I push the water with my powerful hands. Then *poof* I'm a clumpy branch again, tumbling awkwardly into and out of the water. There are imaginary spectators on the side of the pool who are jeering and heckling me with taunts of, "what a beginner!" and "she's pathetic!". Then bling-a-ling-a-ling. The magic fitness fairy waves her wand and I am doing it! Wait till my trainer sees me! She's going to see how closely and seriously I've taken her comments. Fssslllglump! Water in my lungs and nose. Cough, cough. Ugggmmmpphh. Reposition and reach! I will never get this right! I say to myself.
I finished the training session, though. Somewhere close to 2k. In the end, I remind myself constantly, it doesn't matter how I get there. Just that I do it.

The photo above is me in 2004. Aside from pregnancy, this is the heaviest I have ever been in my life. I was a year married. I truly don't know if I was unhappy. I didn't know what I was. I loved my husband but had given up so much to be with him. I was very confused. Somewhere along the way, I had slowly given up what it meant to be me. Something had to change. It did.

Mavilee came forth.