Confessions of a Struggle

Today I go to an A.R.T. practitioner. I am hoping it helps the fear that I have been nursing. I am afraid of further injuring my body. I am afraid to get out there and *snap* there it goes. Gone forever. So, my solution has been to abandon my program completely. This is, of course, an absurd conclusion but has made perfectly good sense to me. I have abandoned it out of fear. I am nearly afraid to move. I am like a character in Jurassic Park facing a T-Rex that is failure. Don't move and he won't see you. The flaws in the theory are obvious.

Yet, I am very comfortable with failure. I truly believe in the complex, wandering streets of my mind's neighbourhood that I am not an athlete. I am still that 7 year old girl, teased and excluded by her sisters, comforting herself with food and gaining weight exponentially. I fight her constantly. People say, Oh, believe in yourself. Accept that little girl in you. Geez, is it really that cute and simple? I was a girl who quit preschool!

Self-sabotage is a specialty for me. I have been eating biscuits, pizza, McDonalds. I have grown a bitty pot belly. I have let life get in the way of my training. I haven't even been walking.

I do have legitimate reasons, but they can be overcome. I have been moving house for about two months now. I resentfully consented to not using movers/removalists and I have been bitter about it since. We are emptying out my mother-in-laws' house at the same time as moving out of our house. We are getting our house rent-ready. It's a lot of work but, until I got injured, I was able to handle it and train.

I have an infection. No need to elaborate. Yesterday I visited the doctor and now I'm taking antibiotics. I am tired and legitimately feel I should rest. Again, it can be overcome.

And, of course, the injuries. But why, then, the inconsistent practice of the exercises? Because, in my mind, I have already failed by getting injured in the first place. My injury is the message that I am not really an athlete. My body can't handle it. I am stupid for beginning triathlons at 46.

I suppose the medicine for me is to never stop training unless it is part of my program. The reason I hired Top Notch as my trainers was exactly to support me where I can't support myself. But I don't use Jodie. I am hiding from her. Hiding from her allows me to hide from myself. It is very difficult to face my shortcomings. Not writing also allows me to hide from myself.

People have always said I am hard on myself. And I am. But it is the only motivator I have ever had: criticism. Unfortunately, the side effects can be devastating. The most obvious being a lack of self-worth.

I guess the real reason I am doing these races is to find healthy tools to face myself. It is so hard. I love the PTC and feel like they are family, but I still feel vulnerable.

If you see me, please share with me your stories of struggle. It is in sharing these that I get my strength: experience, strength and hope. That is what I need. And I need stop thinking and do as my favourite running song says:

You put one foot in front of the other
And soon you'll be walking 'cross the floor
You put one foot in front of the other
And soon you'll be walkin' out that door!

Cheers, mates!