Family Visit

“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most importantly, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.” - Steve Jobs

What does a family visit to the U.S. have to do with training? A lot for me. As they say, the most difficult part of the race is getting to the start line. And getting to the start line always involves confronting our individual demons. And demons have arisen...

I remember now what real demons are. I remember what being in a haunted house is. It is not translucent white things floating around a victorian style home. Ghosts and demons are not kind enough to confine themselves to a home. They haunt in my head and my heart. And their fuel, their accelerant is family relations. The closer they are to family-of-origin, the more they burn.

We have been visiting in the U.S., my place of origin, my country, my people. Excitement, exhilaration, joy, anxiety, devastating pain, despair have all arisen as the ghosts and demons of family relations. And with all these come the doubts that interfere with getting out on the road, putting one foot in front of the other and getting it done.

I have managed to do 2 training sessions in 10 days. This must improve.

Musings on an Early Morning Swim

5:30 a.m. Tuesday

I read yesterday that a writer writes, not to communicate what he thinks, but to become aware of what he thinks. This is true and one of the reasons I need to write.

It is 5:30 a.m. and I do not want to go swimming. Instead, I want to nurse my foot, feel sorry for myself and drink coffee. I want to read about the news of the world, feeling self-righteous in my thoughts and feel fulfilled like only Monday morning quarterbacks can.

I have to go swimming this morning. If I don't, I won't go at all today. And I have a perfect excuse for it. My foot.

O.k. I've had two cups of coffee. Now I'm working on the third and two pieces of toast. All I have to do now is grab my suit and I'm out of here.

Half a toast eaten.

Got my swim bag. Need more coffee.

One shoe on, one to go. Drink more coffee.

Almost there. See ya!

Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming.

~Later~

I'm arriving at the pool when I realise I left my towel...again. People are going to think that I like to put on my clothes when I'm sopping wet, I forget my towel that often. Sometimes I forget my bra. Once I forgot my undies!

The pool is quite crowded. I'm astonished. There are about 30 people there. I see a bike with a familiar water bottle and wonder who is here from the club. I'm so glad I'm not alone. I love company.

I am not feeling 100% as I stumble into the locker room, undress, dress, out the door with my swim bag. Unbeknownst to me, I left my purse in the locker room. I won't find this out until I am finished. Lucky nothing happens to it. We are all bleary-eyed and crazy to be out at this time in the morning on a weekday.

I jump into the pool. It's Elissa there. Probably there are others. At one point I see the grey & white PTC swim budgies. I am too worn out to look up. After I see Elissa, I don't care anymore. I swim 4 x 100 w/u but it is difficult. My heart is beating too fast on the warm up. I am getting sick. I can tell. I'm out of my faithful antioxidant that we've dubbed The Magic Bullet. It has kept us healthy all year. I finished 3/4 of the session until I have to get out due to time.

I have 102 days until the race. My trainer, Jodie, is now talking about walking the 10 k. I'm discouraged. I miss running. I do too much then suffer for it. I know I can keep swimming, keep cycling, but it's not the same. My ego is involved now. I want to say I've done it.

I see myself write these thoughts and I know I am headed for a danger zone. This is how people begin to look towards half IronMan races. Each race is not enough. What will I do when I'm no longer racing? How will I find this camaraderie? I will manage. I'm not the addict I used to be.